Cat Speak
I am terrible at other languages. Even though I studied Spanish, French, German and Latin in high school, I can only count to ten in three of those and my recollection of Latin is limited to Veni, Vidi, Vici - I came. I saw. I conquered. Oh, and Et tu, Brute? - loosely translated as "Seriously, Dude! You, too?" Which is why it came as such a surprise to learn I am fluent in Cat.
Perhaps one just needs a superior teacher to learn another language. Mine is Fancy. (Hate the name, love the cat.) Fancy has quite a vocab. He can say things like: yes, no, maybe, really?, I don't know, okay, I love you, suck it up, and a variety of words reserved for his brothers which I can't post here.
Take last night's action. Chance was in crazy-cat mode. He had that wild look in his eyes, where he throws his head back and channels Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard. He was running back and forth across the couch, and if I hadn't seen this before I would have thought he was possessed. Actually, living with a cat is a lot like The Exorcist. Sometimes you just have to pray the demon will get tired and leave. So, there he was and guess who he singled out to join in his madness? Of course - the most potentially lethal brother - Fancy. (Maybe he needed a name like that to counteract his capabilities. Something like Switchblade would have been too on the nose.) Fancy was having no parts of this. He looked at me and said, "Do you see what I have to go through? I know, I know, 'don't kill him.' Well, see how that works out for you. I'll just sit here and watch." And he did.
I love it when they sit staring at something, calmly grooming, but never taking their eyes off the subject. Kind of like the badass in a movie, waiting for the other guy to make a move so he can pulverize him. Eli was watching from the sky box near the ceiling. Finn took a proactive approach and just rolled over and waved a tiny, white flag.
Chance finally wore himself out, peed on the floor next to the litter box and took a nap. With Eli still perched up high and Finn and Chance now asleep together in a box, Fancy zoomed in for another opportunity to teach me how to serve him. Andy and I were preparing supper. Fancy thought he should help. We were heating up pork and sauerkraut we made the day before. When Fancy took one whiff of my plate, he looked at me and said, "What is that!? It stinks!" He actually threw his head back like the sauerkraut had smacked him in the face. Now, I can only speak cat, I can't write it very well. It went something like this, "Mer-EHHH?? Muh! plerrrrr...." That's close. I'm working on it.
We had several other conversations. One had to do with cantaloupe. It was similar to the sauerkraut exchange. Another was during the thunderstorm last night. Fancy was sound asleep, draped across my lap, when there was a big flash then the longest, deepest thunder I've ever heard. Jack wasn't sure which one of us to guard, or whether he should just try to save himself. Fancy jumped up and yelled, "What the hell was that?" He had his ears pinned back and his pupils were dilated. Oh, and he had himself anchored - in my leg. By anchored I mean claws out, ready for a fight, and grounded in the only surface available - me. My first instinct was to yell in protest, but Fancy has taught me this will only make matters worse. Not only is he teaching me cat-speak, he has become my sensei in the art of how to deal with a cat if you would prefer not going to the ER. So, there we were; cat and human, frozen in time. I lowered my voice from a screech to what I hoped was a more soothing tone and tried to reassure him. I rubbed his ears and tried to stroke his head but he just shook me off. He looked at me and sputtered, "I don't believe you! I know something bad is happening, you're just too dumb to realize it. Look, I've been out there when this happens. It's awful! Sit here if you like. I'm gone." And he was. He ran off to a safer spot. Just so you know, he has the very same reaction when Andy tosses the remote our way.
Before I even had time to print this, Fancy knocked a plastic pitcher off the counter onto the tile, scaring me half to death. He murmured, "sorry." I said, "Look, pal. If you give me a heart attack, you're on your own. The Big Guy doesn't love cats." His response? "Well, since you're up, how about feeding me? Please. I wuv you." sheesh...
Despite all the craziness, I consider myself lucky to be learning "cat." To be honest, I've already done "human" and this is ever so much better...
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| I wonder if Norma had a cat? |
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| You do realize I can see you? |
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Best seat in the house.
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