Day Thirty Two

For Roger

(This is one of those days when I go off topic. I can do that. It's my blog. You see, in another life I had some training in grief counseling and Memorial Day seems like a good time to draw on that knowledge.)

As a kid, Memorial Day for me signaled the beginning of summer. It meant school was going to be out soon and I could kick back and be lazy. As a parent, it was up to me to make sure our kids had plenty to do to keep them occupied. It's all a matter of perspective.

I know this is a time to remember those who have fought to keep us safe and free. The patriot in me believes that. Memorial Day should also be a time to think of loved ones who have passed.

I have lived long enough to see many loved ones die. The list is long. It includes those who lived a long life, as well as those who died too soon. My mother's death was quick and unexpected. My father suffered a long time before he left this Earth. But both of those losses followed the natural order of things. When a young person dies, that order is broken.

Friends recently lost a loved one. She was almost 21 years old. She took her own life. The people she left behind are broken and devastated. She was a daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, friend. People who are friends of her family members are heartbroken for all of them. The irony is that most people who take their own lives think everyone will be better off without them and they won't be missed. They think wrong.

People who take their own lives can't get past their own pain. They can't see that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. All they know is that the pain of living is too much and ending that pain will be a relief. If they only knew how much their life is really worth, but to them, it seems worthless.

So, loved ones are left in despair. Nothing will ever be the same. Every family gathering, every milestone, every holiday will be forever changed. The loved ones will grieve, and move on with their lives. But from the moment that life was taken, nothing can ever be the way it was.

A memorial will be held. Friends will gather, not knowing what to say. They will want to make it better but words can't do that. Hugs will help. Crying with them will, too. Letting them talk about their loss and the person they loved so much is also healing. Time will give them some perspective. They will always wonder what they could have done to keep her here.

The answer is, sadly, nothing. When a person thinks death is preferably to life, sometimes they act like everything is fine. To them, it is. They've made their decision. You almost have to be trained in suicide prevention to know the warning signs. Unfortunately, those signs also look like all is well. That is a sign. Also, giving away possessions. Another sign. The "signs" can be subtle. If a person declares they're going to take their own life, what they're really saying is, "I'm hurting, and don't want to live this way." Someone who is determined to take their own life won't tell anyone. They will just do it. And, it's not your fault.

How do you live when someone you love has taken their own life?  There are no simple answers. The best you can do is try to live your life with love and courage. Hold on to loved ones who are also hurting. Talk about your loss, but don't dwell on it. Keep her memory alive by remembering the fun and laughter - the good times. Don't be afraid to mention her name. Most importantly, honor her life by loving each other. Your old life is gone, but a new one will begin.