Day One Hundred Nineteen

 

A Gigi's Guide to (Kid, Pet and Grand) Parenting

I have come to the realization that, for a Gigi, parenting is virtually the same, no matter whether it's for a cat, dog, human child or grandchild. The rules may be different for, let's say, a lizard, but in my case, I doubt it. For other Gigi's out there, and you know who you are, I have drawn up a list of guidelines:

#1 To avoid the inevitable guilt a Gigi will feel if she doesn't comply, always do precisely what is asked of you. For example, if a son, daughter, grandchild, dog or cat puts on "the face" and wants something like Legos, new clothes, a chicken treat or a yacht - do it! Buy it, do it, give it - whatever it takes to avoid that look. It is your Kryptonite. And don't think for one minute they don't know it.

#2 No matter what they are doing, whether it's tearing the house apart, chasing the cat with a sword, pecking at you like ducks on a muffin, making horrible choices with their lives - never, ever, put on "your face." Your children may have grown used to it, and probably even parody it behind your back, but your Grands will be traumatized by it - trust me. Your dogs will heave a deep sigh as they throw themselves down in despair. Even your cats will give you "the look" - as though they would rather take their chances at the local kill shelter than deal with you and your face another minute.

Gigi's Mad Face

Gee whiz - we were just having fun... 

#3 Never, ever add vocalizations to the mix. As if "your face" wasn't bad enough, if you dare to add "the voice" to it (other than the one Mary Poppins or a Disney princess uses - and please remember - they're paid to use that voice) not only will they be seemingly devastated, the humans ones will most likely need counseling down the road.

I first realized the absolute devastation the face/voice combo can wreak when I was a newlywed. My poor, young husband would take to the couch and wrap his head up in whatever - towel, blanket, his own shirt, a plastic bag - anything to block out my existence. I did not care. By the time I have added "the voice" to "the face" the activation sequence has been launched and one of us is going ballistic. It doesn't mean the flamer is wrong - most likely the flamee deserved it.

 

 

#4 Under no circumstances should you expect anything from anyone. For example, despite all of the things you do for your pets, don't be stupid enough to think they are grateful. You are at their beck and call 24/7, but if you have gotten out of bed to let them out in the middle of the night, in the rain, and expect them to hurry and come to you after the eighth time you've called - you are an idiot. The hateful feelings you have toward them as you get soaked will only lead to #5.

#5 And the final note - A Gigi must always feel terrible guilt and remorse for even thinking (and, trust me, they can read your mind) thoughts other than "let's skip merrily along, to wherever; here have some candy, cookies or chicken treats" as you whistle, smile, blow bubbles and grant all wishes. 

Because, (and here's the part that sucks) when they leave and the house is quiet, you will look around and wonder if it was really that big a deal he/she left the freezer door open or knocked over a vase; chased a cat with a sword or screamed at their sibling over a gummy worm; shredded your leather furniture or peed on the floor; forgot to put their truck in park and it drifted into the street. You will sit there in the silence and only hear the echoes of giggles, laughter, snuffles or purrs. I told you it sucks.

So, buck up, all you Gigi's out there. Focus! You are never going to change, so do what it takes to maintain. Medicate, tranquilize, brace up your knees and back - do whatever you must to soldier on. Do not sweat the small stuff. Smile, be happy and act like the kind of person your kids, grands, pets, will think of with a smile when you're gone. You really don't want them to remember you as a cranky, old sourpuss, now, do you?  And besides, you won't be around to see "their faces" when they find out you already spent their inheritance - on them!  (Insert giggle...)