Day One Hundred Seven

Olives, Cheese and Turkey

I have created a monster. Well, seven monsters to be exact. Two of our zoo members are strictly vegetarians, and can't get out of their enclosures, or else the number would be nine. So, the seven remaining carnivores are tightly in tuned to anything that smells, looks and sounds like food. This definitely applies to deli turkey.

Andy and I have been on a low carb diet. This means we eat lots of protein and virtually no fun stuff. Sugar is out as is white flour - bread, pasta, pastries - as well as certain fruits and vegetables like potatoes, bananas, peas and carrots. I can do without peas - they are revolting - but potatoes are so good, especially with lots of butter, sour cream and cheese...(Oh, gawd, I blacked out for a moment...where was I?) Oh, yes, dieting. Anyway, I buy turkey. Okay, so it's Boar's Head Maple Honey Glazed but, hey, it's main ingredient is turkey. Shut up.

I have a protein shake and coffee for breakfast. If anybody declares coffee causes weight gain, I will grow to circus sideshow proportions before I give it up. Nobody seems interested in my breakfast. Actually, they sort of sidestep me until I stop being a shrew (about 10 a.m. EST.) The challenge comes when I prepare my lunch.

Lately, I have become obsessed with a certain type of olive, the name of which I refuse to divulge, because sure as shootin', there will be a run on them and, if so, I will lose the will to live. I empty the space where they are located at my local Publix several days a week. I'm sure this has caused some head-scratching by the olive manager. Anyway, lo and behold, olives are okay on the low carb diet. Green ones that is. That was a long way around my point which is to describe my lunch: Olives, Swiss cheese and deli turkey. As I stand at the kitchen counter, trying to be very quiet, seven pairs of bionic ears perk up and come running to get their share.

This has become quite an annoyance. As anyone can attest, to someone on a diet, food becomes sacred. I WANT MY OLIVES, CHEESE AND TURKEY! Prior to Dash's arrival, Jack and Rooney would sit next to me, drooling, yes, but waiting patiently for me to share something - anything. The other cats would also give me some space. Mr. D just walks right into the middle of what I'm doing - stepping on my plate, sticking his little head in the bag of turkey and checking everything else in case it is edible. I have resorted to dispensing bits of turkey to the Peanut Gallery first. Fancy, Eli and Finn (Chance hates turkey) sit there watching in horror as Dash flits around them, grabbing everyone's turkey before they even get a lick! Then he starts in on me again. It is madness, I tell you.

Jack and Rooney sit patiently waiting for their portions. But I can read Jack's mind. He is thinking, "If that guy tries to take any of my food, I'll just eat him for lunch instead." Fortunately, Dash has learned how to speak Bullmastiff, so he steers clear of them and concentrates on bugging the weaker residents - me included. Believe it or not, I end up preparing my lunch in the laundry room behind closed doors. It's either that or in my car in the garage. Hmmmm...