I have a fool-proof, no-fail, guaranteed success rate, way to lose weight. It is the best appetite suppressant I've seen since a friend told me years ago she had to check her little son's pants pockets for worms before she washed them. I guess worms are really disgusting after they've been through a wash cycle. Here is my plan, but you have to follow it to the letter.
First, you must move to Florida or another uninhabitable, hot place near the Equator or hell. This is essential for the plan to work. Next, you must get yourself two giant sized dogs like Great Danes or Bullmastiffs. Okay, so you now have two of the most important parts of this equation. Are you still with me? Then, you must give the dogs a confined space in which to poop. If you walk your dog, and either leave the mess for somebody else to deal with or scoop and bag, this won't work. Now, here is the key to the success rate of this program. You must let the poop bake in the heat and humidity until it's good and ripe. A week is good. Then, throw in a reason why you cannot put off poop scooping any longer. Like, say, your lawn guys are parked out front, or you're having a party complete with a water slide in two days.
You must gird your loins for the job. If you do it too early in the morning, the dew makes the deposits mushy. You want to let the sun dry them out awhile. You gather your supplies: A rake, pan, clothespin for your nose and bug spray. The last item is not really for keeping the bugs away but, generously applied, can help mask the disgusting, Zombie Apocalypse smell. Now that you're ready and armed, let's begin.
You must have good eyesight to find the turds hidden in the grass, so you can't wear sunglasses. Remember, you're living in tropical hell, so the grass is probably a foot tall. Although, stepping in a pile can be a bonus if you really need to lose weight. You won't want to eat ever again after that. Now, even with the clothespin and bug spray, every once in awhile you will get a whiff of indescribable grossness. If you have high blood pressure, an inner ear problem or other malady, the smell combined with the heat could cause you to pass out, throw up or die. Remember the goal - weight loss - so any of those things could work to your advantage.
Once you have collected the thirty or more piles (a week's worth of poops) you must now find a way to dispose of them. If you combine this with trash collection day, and think you may just catch the truck before it passes, go fast quickly! Get those turds bagged up, slide on the algae growth on the patio, twisting your knee (remember, you are in hell) then limp your way to the curb. If the trash gods are with you, you're in luck. If not, then you will have to find a place to hide the mess until they show up again. Warning: A side effect of tossing a bag of ripe dog poop in the trash can is that the trash collectors will hate you. They will leave your garbage can in the middle of the street when they're done and throw the lid away. I am an expert on this.
Now, for the best part. Drag your dripping wet, dizzy, twisted knee self back inside where your significant other has just made a huge breakfast of fried ham, eggs and muffins. If the smell doesn't knock you on your ass first, having them ask if you're hungry will seal the deal. I guarantee it will be awhile before you can let anything but water pass your lips.
As proof of the effectiveness of my program, while I'm sitting here typing, my stomach keeps lurching and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna hurl. Later...
What? Did you think I was going to post a picture of dog poop?!
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| Giant Poop Machines |
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