In my lifetime, I have cleaned up the poop from a variety of sources, including:
chickens, ducks, rabbits, hamsters, fish (yes, you have to clean their poo, too) horses, goats, dogs, rats, cats, baby humans and (sadly) elderly human. TMI? Sorry. It's just that I am still recovering from having Copper poo on me. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst smell it could possibly be, Bearded Dragon poop is a solid 46.
I never minded cleaning up horse poo. Actually, it has a rather pleasant scent. This is because they are vegetarians. Feed something meat and you are going to get knock-your-socks-off olfactory assault. I do not know how nurses, or proctologists for that matter, do what they do. It takes a special kind of person to willingly clean up somebody else's poop.
The other thing I learned the hard way is if someone, who knows what they're talking about, tells you to do or not do such and such, it behooves you to pay attention. (The movie, Gremlins, comes to mind.) In this case I am referring to the clear instructions given to Bearded Dragon newbies:
1) They must be kept warm.
2) Feed no more than 10 crickets per day.
3) Don't hold them while they are sleeping or eating.
4) If, while you are holding them, they become agitated or restless, put them back in their environment.
5) Always make sure there is a white mass included in their poop. I don't remember why, but they acted like this was a big deal. Something about calcium I think...
Now, I have been diligent (okay, obsessive) about the light thing. My son set me up with a timer so the lights go off and on at regular intervals. I have never picked her up while she's sleeping (who would do that?) I have, in typical fashion, been guilty of overfeeding her. Maybe I'm in a hurry to get rid of the damn crickets. Who knows. Anyway, she can't complain about having nothing to eat around here.
My downfall? Miscalculating when she might poop - remember, she's a once every three days gal - and also, misreading her fidgets.
Setting:
This morning, after everyone was fed, watered, etc. Jack and Rooney were snoring away on the various couches. All of the cats were outside. I had fed Copper and she was basking on her rock. I went through my checklist and it seemed like the perfect time to hold her. She crawled onto my hand and we curled up together in my chair. I had my cup of coffee next to me. All was right in my world. (Cue the tense music cause all that was about to change.)
We sat there visiting for quite awhile. When she started to get antsy, I figured she just wanted a different vantage point. Instead of interpreting this as "Um, I really have to go to the bathroom!" I kept holding onto her.
That was when I saw her tail go straight up and I caught a whiff of what can only be described as Zombie Apocalypse, oozing wound, knock you on your ass (or off as in my case) putridtudinous, stenchified rot. I looked over and saw this green, runny mass oozing down my jacket. (Believe it or not, even in my eye-watering, ready to pass out state, I looked to see if there was a white blob amongst the green ooze.)
Thank God I was wearing a jacket because, if it had gotten on my skin, I'm pretty sure I would be dead by now - covered in a green web of algae or some such, with my eyes rotted out. (We've been watching X-Files reruns.)
Now, remember, I was sitting in my recliner. Since I cannot levitate (darn) I did the next best thing. I contorted my body so as not to drop the green mass on the floor, all the while holding onto Copper (who's lucky my first instinct was curtailed, which was to toss her into the air and run screaming into the bathroom.)
Also remember when I mentioned the location of everyone? Well, the stench was so bad, even the cats smelled it outside and came running in to see what on Earth was happening. It was either that or the primal scream I was emitting. Jack and Rooney woke up; sat up and looked at me like, "What the hell?" You know it's bad when a dog, who will eat poop on occasion, is disturbed by the smell!
So, I put Copper back in her aquarium, and ran into the bathroom with Boo! and Dash following close behind. I did my best to scrape the poop off my jacket and deposited it into the toilet, trying very hard not to think about how water is recycled... Dash actually peered into the toilet then looked up at me as much to say, "What the f--- was that??" Both of them just shook their heads in disbelief.
I carefully removed the jacket and was grateful it hadn't seeped through onto my tee shirt. I ran into the laundry room to wash what I could off the thing before tossing it into the washing machine. Not doing that and just tossing it into the machine would mean I would have to get rid of my washing machine afterwards. I would have poured Clorox over it had it not been a nice, red jacket.
I still haven't recovered. Lesson learned? You betcha. From now on, I will only hold Copper on the off-poop days, then well after she has done her business. Come to think of it, I recall her being put off by the smell of her own poo; moving as far away as she can get in such a small enclosure. And she seems very grateful when I remove it. You know it's bad when you can't stand the smell of your own - you know what...
No comments:
Post a Comment